Joke Index

Confessions

The first one comes up to him and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned..."

The priest answers, "Yes, my child, what would you like to confess?"

"Father, I threw pebbles in the pond," says the child.

The priest, rather amused and delighted with the children, says, "You are so cute. That's all right. Nothing wrong with a few pebbles."

The second child comes up and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I threw pebbles in the pool."

The priest says, "You kids are so adorable. Don't worry about it. It's all right."

The third child comes up and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I threw pebbles in the lake."

"Don't worry about it. Now run along and play with your other friends," says the delighted priest.

The fourth child comes up to the priest looking sad. "What's wrong," says the priest. "Is there something troubling you, my child?"

The child answers, "Father, my name is Pebbles."

Church Bulletins

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Words Not Yet in the Dictionary:

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Church Football

From The Anglican Digest, we have these terms defined:

Quarterback Sneak - People who quietly exit immediately following communion, a quarter of the way through the service.

Draft Choice - Selection of seat near the door.

Draw Play - What many children (and a few adults) do with their bulletins.

Bench Warmer - Those whose only participation is their attendance Sunday morning.

Fumble - Dropping a hymnal, singing the wrong verse, and general inattention to what's taking place.

Backfield in Motion - Making two or three trips out of the church during the sermon.

Stay in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should go toward missions.

Sudden Death - The minister who preaches past 12 o'clock.

Blitz - The stampede to the door after service.

Halfback option - When 50% of the congregation does not return for the evening service.

Things to Ponder...

* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

* You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Jesus Loves You

Anyway he goes into the first room he finds and shines his torch all around. Suddenly out of thin air a voice says "Jesus looooooooooves You".

The burglar is startled but inquisitive. Again the voice says "Jesus really does loooooooove you". The burglar shines his torch everywhere and he catches attention of a cage in the corner of the room. In it is sitting a parrot. He goes over to it and tells the parrot to bloody well shut up.

The parrot then says, "Jesus, the Rottweiler, in the hall really really loooooooooooves you".

Some Quotes to Live By...

-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

-If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

-No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.

-One good turn gets most of the blankets.

-There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who can't.

-It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

-My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.

-There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

-Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

-Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.

-No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.

-You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

-Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.

The Revelation

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'."

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Computer Viruses

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colonizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a286AT.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it

Classified Ads

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

God is like...

God is like Pan Am,
He makes the going great.

God is like General Electric,
He lights your path.

God is like Bayer Aspirin,
He works wonders.

God is like Tide,
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like VO5 Hair Spray,
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like Dial Soap,
Aren't you glad you know Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like Sears,
He has everything.

God is like Alka Seltzer,
Oh, what a relief He is.

God is like Scotch Tape,
You can't see Him, but He's there.

God is like an American Express Card,
Don't leave home without Him.

16 Books

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for facts....and for others it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of our readers. To others it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found. A little lady says she brews a cup of tea so she can concentrate better. See how well you can compete. Relax now, for there really are sixteen names of books of the Bible in this paragraph.

Jacob's Ladder

"And what did you see, my son?"

"I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder were many pieces of chalk, and no one was allowed to ascend without taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each sin committed."

"Very interesting, my boy, and what else?"

Well, dad, I thought I would go up, but I hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down."

"Yes," said the father, "and who was that?"

"You, dad," replied the boy.

"I? Whatever was I coming down for?"

"More chalk."

Lottery Shock

The pastor fell over dead.

Parents

"What about?"

"I'm afraid they might try to escape."

Clever Butcher

"That'll be $3.95," he told the waiting customer.

"That one's too small; don't you have anything larger?" the woman asked.

The wily butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he announced, "will be $4.80."

"Fine," said the customer. "I'll take both."

Religious Mule

The purchaser mounted the beast, said, "Praise the Lord," and the mule raced away. Becoming excited the rider kept saying, "Whoa," with no effect on the animal. Then he remembered and said, "Amen".

The mule stopped abruptly. The rider looked down and found the animal had stopped right at the edge of a gigantic cliff. Wiping his brow, he declared gratefully, "Praise the Lord."

Presence of God

- Mrs. Jond Orman

You Can't Win

"How's this for service?" He said proudly.

"Anybody who drives as fast as you must, I wouldn't ride with him," the woman snapped and slammed the door on his face.

- Bruno Hagspiel

Golfing in Heaven

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

Mistaken Identity

"It's no big deal," St Peter explained. "Just sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then, send them to housekeeping to pick up their wings."

On the third day, Jesus looked up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him. He asked the old man to tell him something about himself.

"I'm a simple carpenter," said the old man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in the world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."

By this time, Jesus was standing with his arms outstretched. There were tears in his eyes, as he embraced the old man. "Father," he cried. "It's been so long."

The old man squinted, removed his glasses, stares blankly for a moment while he wiped the glasses, returned the glasses to his head, looked at Jesus again and said, "Pinocchio?"